The Three Patterns Running Your Life

The three patterns running your life — and the (irritating) people they keep drawing in

Join me on May 1st at 2 PM EDT/12PM PDT for a LIVE conversation on the three patterns.  Register Now

You're not stuck because you lack discipline.

You're not stuck because you need another strategy.

You're stuck because you're in a pattern. And patterns, until you can see them clearly, just look like your life.

I've been working in leadership development for over a decade. And across all that time, across all those conversations, I keep seeing the same three internal systems running underneath the surface of capable, thoughtful, self-aware people.

Three patterns. Not personality types. Not flaws. Patterns — learned early, reinforced often, mistaken for identity.

Here's what they look like.

The Over-Functioner

This one is easy to miss because it looks like a strength.

The Over-Functioner is the one who holds everything together. Who steps in before anyone has to ask. Who can see exactly what needs to happen and feels vaguely irritated that others can't.

They say things like: It's just easier if I do it myself. I feel responsible for everything. I'm exhausted but I can't slow down. If I don't do it no one will.

What's actually running underneath that? Control equals safety. Doing equals worth. Responsibility has become identity.

The cost? Quiet resentment that's been building for years. Burnout that nobody sees coming because the output never stopped. An inability to let go — not because they don't want to, but because at a deeper level, letting go feels dangerous.

It's probably already impacting sleep, health, motivation, and relationships.

This isn't a discipline problem. It's a survival pattern wearing the costume of "responsible" and "competent."

The Under-Functioner

This one gets misread as procrastination. It goes much deeper than that.

The Under-Functioner knows exactly what to do. They think about it. They plan it. They feel a genuine intention. And then they don't move.

They say things like: I know what I should be doing. I just can't get myself to do it. I feel stuck. I don't know where to start.

Then they silently beat themselves up for not taking action.  This loops silently and endlessly, eating up energy and thinking bandwidth. 

What's actually running underneath? Avoidance equals protection. Inaction equals safety. The procrastination isn't about time management — it's fear of exposure. Fear of being seen trying and failing. Fear of being found out. Fear of being seen as an imposter.

The shame spiral that follows is often worse than whatever they were avoiding.

This person isn't unmotivated. Their system has learned that staying still is safer than risking.

The Oscillator

This is the one most leaders recognize themselves in.

The Oscillator overworks, then crashes. Pushes hard, burns out, pulls back. Shows up fully, then disappears. The cycle of overworking and inconsistency repeats — they build momentum, hit a wall, recover just enough to push hard again.

They say things like: I go through phases where I'm really on, and then I crash. I know I'm capable of more. I don't feel consistent.

What's actually running? A burnout cycle. Push hard, overload the system, crash, recover just enough to push hard again. They're caught in it — not because they lack resilience, not because they need better habits, but because the cycle itself has become the pattern.

The inconsistency isn't a character flaw. It's what a burnout cycle looks like from the inside.

And the reason it feels so disorienting? Because in between the crashes, they're genuinely capable. Genuinely "on." Which makes the crash feel even more like failure.

It isn't. It's a loop. And it runs until something interrupts it.

Why opposites attract

Here's the part most people haven't thought about.

These patterns don't just live inside individuals. They lock together in relationships.

The Over-Functioner and the Under-Functioner find each other. Reliably. The one who carries everything ends up partnered with, managed by, or managing the one who can't seem to move — and each person's pattern reinforces the other's. The carrier carries more. The avoider avoids more. Neither one intended this. Both are exhausted by it. Both are frustrated by it.

You don't keep meeting difficult people by accident. You keep meeting them because two patterns are recognizing each other.

The reframe that changes everything

Here's what I want you to hear.

You don't have to quit your job. You don't have to leave your relationship. You don't have to burn down what you've built.

You need to outgrow the pattern.

Because here's the thing nobody says out loud in leadership development: understanding why you do something is not the same as changing it. Most capable, self-aware leaders have spent years getting better at naming the pattern. They can describe it eloquently. They still live inside it.

What actually shifts is when your system — your nervous system, your sense of safety, your sense of self — learns something new. Not just knows it. Learns it.

That's the work.

If this landed somewhere

I'm hosting a free live session — The Three Patterns Running Your Life — and the People They Keep Drawing In — where we'll go deeper into exactly this.

You'll identify which pattern is yours. Understand why you keep attracting the same dynamic. And see what the integrated version actually looks like — because most of us never had it modeled.

If you're a high achiever who holds everything together and quietly resents it — this is for you.

If you know what you should be doing but can't sustain it — this is for you.

If you're self-aware and growth-oriented and still blocked somewhere — this is for you.

The session is free. Live. And it's the clearest version of this work I've put into one room.

Register here

Vicki Haddock works in the leadership development space, bringing together high-level leadership acumen with heart and soul — the deep inner work of being human — so leaders can finally lead from who they actually are.